The One and Only Secret to a Successful Marriage?

Saturday, November 17, 2018

Delray Beach, FL.- Andy and I were in our late 20s and beginning our careers in journalism. Elka was in her late 30s, working part-time as an accountant for our small publishing company.

She was beautiful and elegant and spoke with an East European accent that was hard enough to mean business but musical enough to make everything she said sound like it was being channeled from above.

We knew that she and her husband were struggling financially. Yet, though she occasionally mentioned their problems, it was always with a smile. She had nothing but good things to say about her personal life. We never heard her complain.

We were crazily infatuated with her.

One day, and I can’t remember how the conversation took this direction, Andy and I were telling her how much we admired her. We were especially impressed, we said, that despite their many challenges, she and her husband seemed to have such a happy marriage.

“Please share your secrets,” we begged.

“There is only one,” she said.

We leaned in.

“The man must love the woman more than the woman loves the man.”

Because it was Elka, I wanted to believe it. But my rational brain knew it was fundamentally romantic nonsense. Good and long-lasting marriages are based on more practical things like compromise, communication, and reasonable expectations.

Still, in the 40 years that have gone by since Elka told us her “secret,” I have not been able to forget it.

Since then, I have read dozens of books on marriage and observed a hundred marital relationships – friends and colleagues and family members. And although I’ve seen plenty of evidence to support the rational view, I’ve also noticed that in many of the best long-term marriages, Elka’s simple maxim proved true.