From the Onion
WOODLAWN, MD—Arriving en masse to the Pacific island nation after fleeing under the cover of night, 76 million baby boomers reportedly escaped to Fiji on Friday after completely draining the nation’s Social Security and Medicare accounts.
Sources said the daring $3.1 trillion operation was discovered early this morning as stunned federal employees checked both programs’ reserves only to find that each now held a total of $0.00, the apparent culmination of a plan that reportedly was meticulously organized and executed over the last 30 years.
“It’s gone, all gone, they completely cleaned us out,” said Social Security director Nancy Berryhill, revealing that airport security cameras had caught every American born between 1946 and 1964, having emptied the U.S. social safety net, boarding red-eye flights to Fiji. “These people were using our nation’s wealth as their personal piggy bank for decades, just waiting for the right moment to make their move and take us for everything we were worth.”
Shocked citizens from around the country were forced to contemplate how they could ever replace the funds they had been counting on for their own healthcare and retirement income.
“The way they acted so sweet all these years—how could we not see this coming?” she added. “Those selfish sons of bitches were working us the whole time!”
According to sources, the entirety of Medicare and Social Security was slowly siphoned off as the post-war generation built trust by assuring the other 240 million Americans that they would collect their share eventually. However, since decamping, observers say the baby boomers have spent the funds on opulent lifestyles in the tropics where they intend to live out the rest of their days relaxing in comfort, all at the expense of the children and grandchildren they reportedly claimed to be concerned about.
“We thought they were our friends, neighbors, and loved ones, but clearly they’ve just been enriching their own coffers for years,” said Berryhill, adding that it was now apparent that despite their “inspirational hot air” about investing in the country’s future, the baby boomers only really cared about themselves. “As we speak, they’re probably cruising along in their European sports cars to the beachfront condos they bought with our money, laughing at how naïve we all were.”
“And we fell for their scheme,” she continued. “How could we have been so foolish?”
As they awoke to find the baby boomers gone, shocked citizens from around the country were forced to contemplate how, and even if, they could ever replace the funds they had been counting on for their own healthcare and retirement income. Speaking to reporters, many expressed anger and disbelief that their hard-earned money would be used to pay not for their own basic living expenses, but instead for expensive new wardrobes, luxury hotel suites, and sunset champagne cruises to private Fijian lagoons.
“In retrospect it now seems obvious why they were skimming off a little piece of my paycheck every month,” said Roland Jensen of Rochester, MN, noting how his town was left strewn with abandoned homes, each containing notes hastily taped to front doors that simply read “Thanks for everything—xoxo.” “They always did think they were better than us, that their generation was somehow special. And now those bastards are an ocean away enjoying their perfect tropical paradise while we’re left footing the bill.”
“We may never recover after what they did to this country,” he added.