When I was a young father, I wanted my young children to be very good at everything they did. I wanted them to be very good students, very good athletes, very good thinkers, etc.
They never took a great deal of interest in sports, but they did well enough in school to make me proud.
By the time they had become young men, my desire for them to excel at everything had evaporated. In its place was something else: satisfaction in knowing that they had become not only independent, but caring and kind adults.
Many parents, I believe, experience this same shift. When their children are small, they want to see them excel because they believe that childhood performance is an indicator of future success. But as time passes, they come to have a more realistic view.
Still, there are parents who can’t let go. They believe themselves to be good parents because they are always “there” for their kids. What they are really doing is making their children less able to take care of themselves.
Writing about this got me thinking. K and I did a good job in raising our boys – but if we could start over again, what qualities and skills would I put even more emphasis on to ensure that they would enjoy a full and productive life?
This is what I came up with…
The Five Master Skills: Thinking, Writing, Speaking, Persuasion, and Reading
1. Thinking Well
Thinking well means having the capacity to reason. It means being able to assess, analyze, and solve problems. It means being able to create and follow a trend of thought. It means being able to separate good ideas from bad ones. It means understanding logic.
Having the ability to think well gives you a great competitive advantage. It allows you to solve problems and accomplish objectives quickly and efficiently. It distinguishes you as smart and capable.
In thinking about thinking, we must remember that there is a difference between thinking well and intelligence. Intelligence is a natural ability. Thinking well is a skill. And, like any other skill, it can be learned.
If it can be learned, it can be taught. And there are at least three ways that you can teach your children to think well.
* Through thoughtful conversation. By taking the time to walk them through problems and obstacles, asking them questions and questioning their answers, and encouraging them to have their own ideas. (You can’t be a good thinker unless you have the confidence to think for yourself.)
* Through a good formal education. By that I mean one that emphasizes the liberal arts: literature, language, history, and the fine arts. Some knowledge of science and mathematics is helpful, but, unlike what your children can learn from the liberal arts, science and math are skills that are unlikely to make them anything more than worker bees.
* By exercising diligent control over their use of computers, video games, television, and access to the internet generally. K and I unplugged our TVs during the years that our children lived at home. We banned video games and limited their time online. We did, however, encourage them to “play” educational games online – and there are thousands that you can download for free or for a few dollars.
2. Speaking Well
As with thinking well, we need to make a distinction here. Speaking well involves grammar and diction, but “proper” grammar and diction is not as important as the ability to express your thoughts concisely and clearly.
So, how do you teach your children to speak well?
The most obvious way, of course, is by speaking well yourself. Small children absorb what they hear like sponges.
3. Writing Well
Writing may seem to have become less important in the internet age, but even texting is writing. And as your children enter into the “real” world, having the ability to express themselves well in memos, business letters, proposals, etc. will become increasingly valuable.
As with speaking well, writing well is the skill of expressing worthy ideas concisely and clearly. And for the most part, if you can speak well, you can also write well.
The best way to teach your children to write well is to encourage them to spend some time, every day, writing. You might encourage them, for instance, to write to an out-of-town relative, or to find a pen pal, or to journal.
4. The Skill of Persuasion
Persuasion deserves special mention here because it is the skill that will give your children the biggest advantage in accomplishing their short- and long-term goals. That includes everything from getting a job, to getting a promotion, to buying and selling anything, which translates into building wealth.
Like teaching your children how to think, speak, and write well, teaching them persuasion skills is a process that you should begin almost as soon as they are born. And you can do it simply by creating a safe (and fun) environment for your family where discussion and debate are encouraged.
My siblings and I were fortunate to have parents who were not only good at debating, but enjoyed debating ideas almost as a game. So we grew up enjoying it, too.
5. Reading Intelligently
By reading intelligently, I mean analytically. On one level, you are taking in information. On another, you are analyzing it. And you can’t read at this higher level unless you have done a great deal of reading as a child.
K and I encouraged our boys to read not only by limiting their access to television and the internet but by allowing them to read anything. It didn’t matter what it was. That may seem Draconian by today’s standards, but it had a marvelously positive effect. All of our children became active and voracious readers.
The Smaller Skills
And then there are the smaller skills.
I’m talking about skills that aren’t vital to success in the traditional sense but are, nonetheless, important. Having good manners, for example. And being kind. And – oh, one more thing: knowing how to sing and dance.
If you can teach your children all of these skills – the big ones and the small ones – they will be equipped to lead an independent, productive, and fulfilling life. They will stand out in any group (at work or outside of work) because of their ability to acquire the knowledge they need on any subject, express good ideas about those subjects concisely and clearly, and persuade others to help them achieve their goals.
On top of all that, they will be able to sing and dance.
