“Poor Wreck That I Am”

Over the past 22 years, I’ve written a fair amount about my experiences with clinical level depression and anxiety, as well as the normal range of self-doubts and self-recriminations that any former altar boy is heir to. I’m proud to say that these pieces have been helpful to many, if I can extrapolate from the dozens of positive comments I’ve received.

I was talking to RT, a friend, teacher, and student, this morning. We were talking about how having a fundamentally negative view of oneself becomes a sort of emotional spring that is always trying to pull one back to negative thoughts and expectations of failure. Even years after one has achieved great success.

Later, this afternoon, I came across the journal entry below. It was written by John L’Heureux, an American novelist and poet that spent the first part of his career as a priest. Just days before his ordination, he writes about how unworthy he feels about the challenge before him. I thought it was a particularly good – and oddly comforting – articulation of that state of mind.

“Thinking about ordination as I do all the time, I find only one thing disturbs me and I don’t know how to formulate it so that it doesn’t sound like the old ‘I’m not worthy’ plea. (Of course you’re not worthy; it would be impertinent of you to wonder if you were.) I have no doubts that I want to be a priest, no uncertainty as to why. But it pains and embarrasses me more than I can say that what I will bring to that altar for ordination is this nauseating sack of guts: selfish, small, lecherous; a mind like a whorehouse; a tongue like a longshoreman’s; a soft mousy body that seeks always its own comforts, a will deluded by hyperactive desires. Poor wreck that I am. Can I give over to God’s service only so little, and that so badly damaged, so in and out of sin and desire? I shall have to let my grotesqueness testify to his mercy. God help me.”